Why is it that I hide anyway?
About being bi and poly and sensual and sexual.
About being an artist, a feminist, and agnostic.
Is it because I think people will judge me harshly?
Or that people will misunderstand me?
And what do I think they'll judge me to be? Or see me to be?
Or misunderstand me to be? They'll think me a "bad" person. An unfit mother.
Why would they think that?
On the other hand the people that would think that aren't
people I'd want to be associated with anyway.
It's the secrecy that makes it so big.
I have this fear that my daughter will be taken away from me.
I can't get past it.
So ...
Maybe I hide because I think if "they" don't know me,
then my daughter won't be taken away? I can't think of any other reason really.
It's not lack of self esteem or fear of being ridiculed. I do notice that as daughter gets older,
the fear retreats just a little bit. But only a very little and it's not enough.
It's not like I have to either hide entirely or make public
every detail. It's not either/or, but it feels like that to me.
Sometimes.
But I just think that there is a growing pressure in me to
do *something*. There is something in me that wants to be able to tell
some people some thing ... for some reason. It's important. And it's exciting.
And it's scary.
There are so many questions.
What exactly does it mean to be more out?
What exactly is it I want to be "out" about?
So how does one actually tell people?
I suppose I could design an announcement.. you know,
using Hallmark studio software.
Do I "come out" on National Coming Out Day? Do I do something in the community on International
No-Diet Day?
What do I want people to know?
Who do I want to know whatever it is the what is?
Why do I want those people to know that piece of
information? Partly because when I make a statement about myself
it gives courage or support to others. It's a good reason I think, but is it a sufficient one
to take the risks I fear I'd be taking? But, how do I evaluate reasons vs risks?
It seems like something I have to want to do for myself,
not for others, for it to be real and genuine.
Possible reasons why I might come out as to sexual
orientation: So potential partners will know.
Because it takes too much energy to keep the secret.
Because it costs too much to keep others out.
Because I'm tired of anticipating bad things.
To make it easier for others to not feel they have to hide.
Because people around me might welcome any information that would liberate me from hiding.
First I came out as poly and bi to a gay male friend.
Later I came out as bi to a lesbian woman friend.
And then I came out to 3 people at work about religious
diversity, being agnostic and my belief in separation of church and state.
It isn't "enough" though.
My friend Wolfie says closets are a choice. I think my choice has been eating at me from the inside
out.
But I don't know what to do next.
It's not just about sexuality . . . being bi and being poly.
It's about Sunday morning at at St. John's,
Announcing at the Wheel of Life part of the service
That I'd accomplished one of the things on my list of
things-to-do-in-my-life. That I'd learned to ride a
motorcycle. And relishing and glorying in the laughter and applause.
It's about splurging on a pair of new shoes. They are blue and turquoise and black with bits of bronze
and silver metallic. And wearing them.
When in the past I would not have wanted to be so
conspicuous. I would not have wanted to be noticed because of my
shoes.
It's about buying my daughter a new pair of roller blades
And getting myself a pair too.
So I can go rollerblading with her. When in the past I would not have wanted to be so
conspicuous
Or look foolish because I am so big.
It's about being someone. Having a personality and showing it instead of being quiet
about it. It's about showing the warmth when I feel it instead of worrying it will make me too vulnerable. It's about responding to unjustified criticism instead of
ignoring it. It's about showing I'm hurt instead of pretending it doesn't.
It's not that I don't have, feel, or do all these things right
now. It's that no one knows about it or sees it.
And I'm not hiding anymore.
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